I’m writing this straight after a group sparring session…….currently I am sitting on the couch typing with one finger and giggling at Glee on TV, whilst constantly flicking over to the WWE Wrestling where Jerry Springer and a dwarf are arguing over who impregnated one of the female wrestlers………..in summary there is a 99% chance I am concussed.

Quote of the Week:

“Look we really do hope you win because you have worked really hard……..but gee, we would get a lot more mileage out of this if you get beaten” – The Clearance King

Question From Readers

Do you know who you are going to fight yet? – And I get this from everybody, everyday

Below is what I wrote in week 2 and saved as a draft

The questions I get asked most when people find out I am in training for the WCB is “do you know who you are going to fight yet?” I honestly expected to be thinking about this more than I am (truth be told I spend far more time thinking about potential fight nicknames and entrance music)………. In real life I am a constant worrier and a massive over-thinker / over analyser……….i really expected this to be on my mind kinda constantly. So far (and we are only 1 week into this thing so let’s not get too far ahead of ourselves here) I am concentrating on trying to enjoy the experience and enjoy the 12 week journey (Lakers Coach Phil Jackson would be proud…….The journey is it’s own reward), just getting as fit and prepared as I can be and treating this like my only / last fight (this is not too much of a stretch as I’m not sure there is much of a career for a 30++ year old guy who has never fought before and never even laced on a glove until last year). Focusing on the journey is easier when there are maybe 7 other guys roughly in my weight range so I couldn’t work out who I am going to fight even if I tried. Although it will no doubt add to my neurotic breakdowns as I obsess about my potential opponent around week 10 when Phil Jackson’s Zen philosophy will be well and truly out the window and I am popping valium’s like Pez.

Fast forward to today………Week 10???? That now seems very aspirational. I think it’s fair to say we entered the “Lloyd Braun – Serenity Now” Stage around Week 5 and it’s continuing full steam ahead. I now have 7 different Pez dispensers including a cool Yoda one, plus a nasty valium addiction………but on the plus side I’m brown (well I will be in a few days after rubbing aloe vera all over myself) and can see my abs………that’s a fair trade for your sanity right?

What’s been the cause you ask?

Let’s get right to the Naming of Names:

Thomas L Greer – AKA Tommy Gun

Everyone who talks to me seems to think Thomas and I face a date with destiny on April 10th. This is pretty hard to get my head around for a few reasons. Firstly, we started training together last year, have spent a lot of time together and even share a cab to training together (plus I keep quiet on his juicing). In summary we are mates and the idea of fighting your mate is tough………especially if he hasn’t burned you with popcorn. The other issue is Thomas’ “alleged” alter ego……….Tommy Gunn – Porn Star. Now I have nothing against porn stars, I spend a good portion of my waking hours watching and admiring their work………its just a little disconcerting to be potentially fighting one………especially one who probably is on the juice (but you didn’t hear that from me). Snelly Balboa was the first to raise the possibility that Thomas was in fact a famous porn star. Just between us, I have watched a lot of porn and at one stage during my 2.5 year “Home Consulting” gig I was watching porn at a faster rate than they were making it. The “Porn Shortfall Crisis” as it became known was a “contributing” factor to me going back to work at a real office job. Now to be fair I’m not watching all of these movies, but rather a series of 15 second snippets, but on the basis of mathematical probability if Thomas was a famous porn star then there is a 99.7% chance I would have run across him.

Porn star or not, Thomas is keeping me awake at night………and I know Big Brucey will love that line as he likes to think of us as a gay couple (not that there’s anything wrong with that).

The Catch up:

This entry actually started out as week 4, then week 4 slipped by, then it was going to be the Chinese New Year addition and that got away from me, so lets just call it the catch up edition (or alternatively The I have run out of creative ideas edition)………and instead of focusing on training, we will delve into all the hoopla and professional production values that make Vanda’s White Collar Boxing events the spectacular successes that they are:

• Professional Camera Crews
• Interviews
• Topless Fight Promo Photo’s
• Fight Nicknames
• Entrance Theme Songs

Filming & Interviews:

We have had a big few weeks at training, sparring has started and we have done some video work, interviews and topless photos (before I got the burn / tan……doh!). Having done some previous commercial TV work I expected my experience to help me fly through the interviews and the photo shoots…………unfortunately my interview looked and sounded similar to when I was16 and fumbling around with a bra for the first time………nervous, overexcited and it was over very quickly and for the other party it was extremely disappointing.

Actually looking back at my previous commercial experience, it consisted of a starring role in a commercial that was shot during lunch hour at Raffles Place that had me wandering around in an ill fitting suit and trying to look serene whilst performing yoga poses. Considering I had been away the previous weekend playing footy and celebrating a Wombats Asian Champs victory I arrived to the shoot with approx 2 hours sleep, injured from the weekend and in what some would call a “tired and emotional state”. Things went from bad to worse when the fitted suit didn’t fit and due to a combination of my “tired and emotional” state, injuries and very limited flexibility, I was unable to perform any of the required yoga moves. So basically the shoot took 4 times as long as budgeted and they got none of the shots they needed, although I do remember the director yelling “maybe if we get him some looser pants he will be able to get his leg up”. Somehow this actually appeared on commercial TV and somehow the cheque I received even cashed. For some reason, and I’m not sure why I never heard back from that talent agency.

Using the logic that past performance is the best predictor of future performance I am not really sure why I was confident in the first place…….or why I feel confident with bra’s……..let’s just stop talking now and god help me next week when I have to do some 1 on 1 vision.

Questions from Readers:

Is it wrong to tan up before the Weigh In event at Harrys at Dempsey Hill on March 30th? –  Clint from Vanda Boxing

Good question! In our house (currently inhabited by 4 single guys……think Entourage with me as Johnny Drama only with more clothes on the floor) this topic would fit under the umbrella heading of “Vaining Up”. Vaining Up covers all areas from tanning, body waxing, veeting, nairing, eyebrow plucking and abs and guns (please note in Kenno’s case it excludes all of the above except guns). Now to the untrained eye this may not look important in the White Collar Boxing arena, but as Wombat legend The Great White used to say “If you cant be good, then look good son” (note that he would call anybody son regardless of age but that’s not important right now). Considering you wear long shorts, singlet and head gear, how important can vaining up be you ask…………well there are those massive topless fight posters like these:

…..plus the weigh in event with thousands of topless photos floating around Facebook:

So in a nutshell, yes, its very important……….especially when you are scouring the place for midgets and hot women………….I’ll take all the help I can get thank you very much. In other news there are still seats available in my cheering section for hot women and midgets.

Having not really had my shirt off in public for 20 years I enlisted a “browning consultant”, if you are looking for him on fight night he is the orange colored gentleman in my cheering section. Now as most professionals who deal with consultants on a daily basis come to learn, these consultant interactions usually end up as an unsatisfactory experience (some might even say displeasing). The best piece of advice I received was “play with your penis in the tanning bed so it tans evenly”………Really???? So it’s no surprise that I am writing this with nasty sunburn and let’s just not discuss it any more.

Choice of entrance music:

I wanted a song that I would still be happy with in 10 years when I put the DVD on to show people (that’s assuming that I manage a win…….if I lose I will be making a concerted effort to ensure no footage from the event ever sees the cold hard light of day………You think Tiger Woods carefully manages his image……look out!!!!). I wanted a song from a band I liked, that had some kind of lyrical link to the event and spent roughly 400 hours trying to find something I was happy with. The list got narrowed down to 2 finalists “So you want to be a champion” – Grinspoon (Kenno’s suggestion) and “The Pretender” – Foo Fighters. Well I got sidetracked doing nothing over the new year long weekend and before you knew I was getting angry emails from Andy (who’s English is much easier to understand when it is in its written form) on why I hadn’t filled in my profile (which includes the entrance song).

In a bit of a panic I played them quickly for Sue (co-worker who sits beside me). She advised that she thought the line “so you want to be a champion” was pretentious and voted for The Pretender by Foo Fighters, which I duly filled in on my profile. Later that night at home, housemate Kenno asked what song I had plumped for. He was told confidently that The Pretender was chosen and Grinspoon was eliminated because the lyric was a bit too pretentious……….to which he replied “how is that worse than calling everyone pretenders like in the Foo Fighter song”……ummm…..……look nowhere did it say you had to be smart to be a boxer.

Choice of Fight Nickname

This was a no brainer as I went with Splash (technically The Splash, but if there was ever an environment to refer to yourself in the third person then boxing is it. How did The Splash come about? Well, I’m glad you asked

It was a Wombat Masters tour to Bali and I was very new to the club, some pre tour email correspondence had been whipping around the week prior about what this Clint Pemberton character should be called. I had suggested my Aussie nickname of Pembo, but that was surreptitiously shot down. A few other names (Crackers & C&^t) where floated but sage advice from Wombat veteran Willo, advised that nicknames were earned not given. Long story short, actually that’s I lie I am going to indulge myself here, not so far as to mention Kardinia Park or the empty feeling a draw leaves, but self indulgent nonetheless. It’s Friday night and the boys have indulged in more than a few beers in the airport lounge and on the plane, then a few more at the beautiful Villas we are staying at. We came to the formal part of the evening the Jumper Presentation, which is where the coach says some nice things about you and presents you with your jumper for the year. It came to my turn and Coach Loutopia was mentioning that he hoped I could do something over the course of the weekend to get a nickname and called me up to collect my jumper. I was a fair way back from the makeshift stage area of the villas and somewhat “tired and emotional” and as I walked up to get my jumper I came to a large fish pond and that had some lily pads floating on it. Now for some reason I thought these lily pads where stepping stones (hey, we have already covered that I’m not very smart) and tried to walk across them. “Splash” as I disappeared into the 4ft deep fish pond as everyone was watching me walk up to accept the jumper. The boys all thought this was hilarious and Splash was born. I never thought it would stick but even know on some group emails I get the “who is Clint Pemberton?”

Airing of Grievances:

We couldn’t go without an airing.

• Wednesday night training conflicts with American Idol viewing…………and I’m dead serious
• The email said videotaping and interviews…….NOT topless photos

• • Can I get copies of these before they go out?
  • Does anyone know how to photoshop a six pack?
  • Or photoshop a tan?

• The production throughput rate of the porn industry
• Getting punched in the face
• Lack of Chicken Tikka options at Havelock Rd gym

• • Oh Curry Garden at Turf City – I miss you

• Sunburned genitalia

• Running out of pre written blog material
• Getting up at 6.30am on Saturday morning for training and your housemates are just arriving home
• Ally Loney mistaping sparring videos (although to be fair he did cop an accidental kick in the head so this is probably a wash)
• Bergs March Burger of the month (more on this to come)
• Potential cross pollination of Work tables and Wombat tables at the April 10^th event – They’re killing independent George

• Lack of steroid / HGH testing in White Collar Boxing (I’m just saying……..)

Thomas in Jan 2010 Thomas Today

Things We’ve Learned:

• You know you are getting too vain when you walk out of my housemate’s empty room with no top on late one night (I don’t have a mirror in my room) and your other housemate wanders by and asks what you are doing. When I replied “checking myself out in the mirror” he just shrugged and nodded, seen it all before………..maybe time to back off a little (or get my own mirror)
• Don’t commit to a 12 week blog when you only have 4 weeks worth of material

Like a good DJ turning up the bass Alexis & Team  turned up the training intensity in week 3 ………….look I know what you’re saying, and I agree………it’s a bit of a stretch thinking of DJ Alexis, especially for those who have heard his “wife’s iPod”. Here is how the week went down:

By the Numbers:

• 800 – according to Ian, this is the number of readers of this blog on each site
• 790 – Number of times I have logged in to check the blog

Any chance those two numbers are related?

More by the Numbers:

• 0 number of replies from hot women (or any women for that matter)
• 0 number of replies from midgets

A picture is worth 1000 Words

The Urine Towel – In case I didn’t do it descriptive justice last week………here it is

F&*%!!!!!!! Why did I think it was a good idea to dry myself with that thing?

Questions from Readers:

Have you ever fought before? Robbie from Normanton Park

Thanks for the question Robbie. White Collar Boxing is designed for those without any formal amateur boxing experience; however I am an exception to this and have been involved in 4 (unsanctioned) bouts in the last 10yrs. My current record stands at 1W-2L-1D. A quick recap of the bouts:

• Oct 09 – Lost KO 1^st Rd when Cutho’s sister caught me with a roundhouse kick to the head on the sand at the old KM8 during a play fight
• Jun 08 – Lost KO 1^st Rd – Girlfriend of the time caught me with a right hook (and left me with a black eye) after a dispute over my lifestyle choices
• June 04 – Win Points – A lacklustre affair held in Perth that involved a confrontation with an angry Freemantle Dockers supporter complete with a blow up plastic anchor. I managed a brief swipe at the man in question that may have landed if was 2m closer to him, but the committee of 1 saw fit to give me the decision based on being the busier fighter
• Feb 09 – Draw – A famous and defining bout that is still talked about by all those in attendance and involved the following:
  • Microwave Popcorn
  • A Towel
  • Call of Duty video game
  • Kenno
  • Kenno’s girlfriend
  • 6 other people
  • A Saturday morning at The Fortress

Somehow this combustive cocktail exploded and without going into details it ended like this: 4 people separating Kenno and myself who are flailing at each other, one of us (me) with imaginary 3^rd degree popcorn burns on my shoulder, popcorn all over the floor, Kenno’s girlfriend on the couch with a horrified look on her face, the towel I was wearing on the floor, and one of us (me) nude. This really happened!

Surprisingly alcohol was involved in all of the above incidents

If as they say past performance is the best indicator of future performance I am in all sorts of trouble come April 10^th.

Text Message of the Week:

Mate I am sending some stuff over to your place, do you know your address off by heart? – Robbie from Normanton Park

This has nothing to do with anything I just found it funny………even more so that it came from one of my best mates and I have lived at the same place for 3 years

Training:

To avoid repetitive posts I will report by exception for this weeks training. Basically this is a nice way of saying I didn’t take very good notes and I can’t remember what happened e.g. Monday – “Harder than usual” – Not much you can do with that really.

Here is what I do remember: 

I don’t know who let the dogs out, but I do know where they are barking and I know they’re big. Training started this week with me suffering from PTLMS (Post Traumatic Leg Matrix Syndrome which is a precursor to OPS – Old Poof Syndrome). I sought advice from Kenno on how to overcome these syndromes and he suggested a Beer Matrix and if that didn’t work then maybe a “Harden the F%^k Up Matrix”.

Apparently Week 3 is when we have developed a strong enough fitness base for us to be pushed a little harder………..either that or Alexis was pissed off with the 90+kg comments last week and just decided to punish us.

Andy ran Wednesday’s training and it was a good solid session enjoyed by all which is a fantastic achievement considering we didn’t understand a word of what was going on. Basically it was 18 sweaty boxers playing charades for 90 minutes. The session involved all sorts of twisty bendy Highlander yoga type moves to get us started and followed the same themes of footwork, jab  / parry, 785,000 jabs and a circuit (if you think that sounds like a lot of jabs you’re right………it is…….and the culprit will be named later).

The key change to the circuit was Andy introducing us to the bastard son of Burpees – The Ring Jump (standing vertical jumps without rest onto the ring apron). This added a 5^th exercise to the previous staple of 4 (Push ups / Crunches / Squat Thrusts / Burpees) and this caused a great deal of confusion and discussion amongst the group………we couldn’t quite get our heads around the definition of reps / sets / loops and circuits to work out exactly how many of these things we were meant to do (5 exercises x 10 reps x 3 times = 1 circuit – complete 3 circuits total). It sounds simple enough when you write it down but it’s not that easy to guess when it’s acted out in charade form.

To the untrained eye 1 additional exercise might seem like its only a 20% increase in difficulty. However a closer inspection reveals the circuit finishes with 3 consecutive legs exercises (that’s 75% of a leg matrix for those counting at home) and let me tell you it was a lot more than 20% harder. Especially after Andy told me that hanging on to the ropes whilst doing it was cheating………..contentious people those Scots and to quote Groundskeeper Willie from the Simpsons “It won’t last. Brothers and sisters are natural enemies. Like Englishmen and Scots! Or Welshmen and Scots! Or Japanese and Scots! Or Scots and other Scots! Damn Scots! They ruined Scotland!” and possibly my quads!…………In all seriousness a Scot hasn’t done this much damage since William Wallace……..and this was before Murray got smashed by Federer in the Tennis so he should have been in a good mood.

We need to be conscious of taking the piss out of Andy considering he is the WCB matchmaker and I don’t want to upset him and find myself matched with120kg Big Bruce – who for those who don’t know him resembles a large, angry, hungry bear who can also fight………only meaner!

Excerpt from email during the week from Andy:

This is to confirm that training on Saturday will be at 8:00am. Seemingly you all agreed this with Alexis last Saturday. Thanks for that. 

This sounded meaningful until he rocked in at 10am………and I have absolutely no recollection of agreeing to 8am ahead of 8.30am.

My displeasure towards Saturday 8am trainings is well known, so I’m not going to harp on it or exaggerate as to how I bad felt. We kicked off the morning session with a 20min run out the back of Turf City which was rather displeasing………..So whilst I wouldn’t say I was actually in hell, I could definitely see it from where I was. We returned from the run to push through the Power Circuit (or as I like to think of it – trying to navigate the 9 circles of Hell………and for some unknown reason I spent a lot of time stuck in the 2^nd circle of hell – Lust).

All up a good week of training and you can see the group gaining fitness and confidence as April 10 approaches.

Training Winners & Losers:

Winners: Lip Readers & Non Verbal communication / People who are good at charades / Anyone still in bed at 8am on Saturday

Losers: The English Language / Andy Murray supporters / People who don’t enjoy hell / Those that didn’t bring running shoes and had to run in boxing boots / Me

Sharing Of Feelings:

We headed down to Bergs (137 Amoy St, #01-01 Far East Square) on Saturday night for our protein fix and the best burgers in town and found they were closing down for the evening just as we arrived. We calmly (well I was gesticulating wildly) explained that we had driven 30mins just to get there and would really appreciate it if they could cook us some BFB’s & Budgie Smugglers up. Kenno obviously seeing them pretty well after his well made 50 frozen margaritas last week continued his good form by putting away a BFB (Bergs size) which is pretty impressive considering it weighs about a kg and is approx. the same size as his massive head. The good people at Bergs, having the big heart that they do (and possibly being intimidated by the very agitated 30+ bald guy gesticulating wildly in the background) reopened there doors and served up the burgers and beers for us.

To our friends at Bergs – Thanks heaps and I will be down for my free burger on Saturday arvo.

By The Numbers:

People Intimidated – 0.5 (Possibly the Bergs cashier……..although to be fair she was a 17year old girl who weighsed about 40kgs………….but at least we have got of the mark)

Airing of Grievances:

A few weeks back after a late Thurs session at Turf city I got in a cab and realised I had left my work pants in the locker room complete with all my money and credit cards. When I tried to get back to the gym I found the security guy had rolled down the roller doors and I couldn’t get back in, thereby consigning me to scrounge my gym bag for coins to pay Uncle the Cabbie so I could get home.

Fast forward 2 weeks later and I am training late on a Thurs at Turf city, it’s around 10pm and I decide it’s a good idea to go outside and practice medicine ball throws / slams in the car park………this seemed like a good idea at the time especially after the medicine ball through the wall incident (pictured below).

This ended up being a mistake on 2 counts, firstly there are cars in the car park and these are easy to hit with a 10kg medicine ball thrown into the air. And secondly because the same security guy had rolled down the roller doors and apparently locked me out again……F%^K!!!!!!!. So here I am, wandering around a semi deserted car park in a pool of sweat, carrying 10kg medicine ball at 10pm looking for help to find my way back inside to get my phone / money / clothes……… In other words I am behaving in an agitated manner and gesticulating wildly and frightening late night shoppers, all the while trying to pretend I don’t know anything about the medicine ball shaped dent in the black Honda……….and believe me wild gesticulations are harder than they sound when you are carrying a 10kg medicine ball).

Eventually I find the security dude and he “happily” tells me that despite the doors being rolled down they are not locked. If he had a name tag and if had regained use of my left arm he would have been featured in the Naming of Names!

Ali once said “the fight is won or lost far away from witnesses – behind the lines, in the gym, and out there on the road, long before I dance under those lights”………….I’m not 100% sure that he was referring to skunking away from witnesses in the car park and back to the gym with medicine ball in hand at 10pm, but I like to think he was.  

Naming of Names:

Vanda members would have seen in the recent newsletter that Wan is one of Singapore’s top boxing prospects and a senior member of the Singapore national team and a great addition to Vanda.

Andy mentioned that Wan had been reading the blog and wanted to get his name in it. Well here you go mate………..it’s just not in the place you want it.

The groups had been broken into 2 and Wan was looking after our group. Wan took instructions from Andy and nodded……….we should have recognised that nod as it was the same one that anybody not born in Scotland gives Andy. It’s the ‘I don’t really understand what you just said to me, but I am too embarrassed to ask again so I will just agree’ nod. Anyway we started of with 30 seconds of stationary jabbing (as hard and fast as possible), followed by a switching with you partner who is holding the bag. This went on for 10 or so sets and it’s reasonable to say that the jabs were coming less hard and less fast although they now were accompanied by groans and the now familiar little girl cries (to be fair that may have been just me). At the end of what seemed like the 10^th set of 30 secs our group would look at Wan and ask “next set?” to which he would reply jab…….”next set?” – “Jab”…….”next set?” – “Jab” …….”next set?” – “Jab”…….”next set?” – “Jab”……….this without a word of a lie went on for 15minutes…….or thereabouts.

So in a nutshell there are only 3 logical explanations:

• Wan really loves the jab
• Wan is from a non English speaking background and the only English word he knows is “Jab”
• Wan is just like us and couldn’t  understand anything Andy was telling him and the only word he picked up was “jab”……………I’m pretty sure it’s this last one which is perfectly understandable but……….we are here to name names so the end result was:

Winners: People who love to see others in pain / Jab lovers

Losers: Our left arms

Named: Wan the New Guy

Things We’ve Learned:

• Advertising your use of a urine towel does not help you to attract hot women or midget friends
  • Applications are still open
• Jab is now a 4 letter word
• And Wan LOVES it!!!!!
• Movie director Oliver Stone was at Orchard Towers last Thursday night out front of a ladyboy bar
• I know because I saw him…….ummm………(cough, cough)…..ummm I mean……I ummm heard he was there
• The Scots are contentious people
• But you probably would be too if you had to eat haggis
• Alexis knows what a room full of men having sex sounds like
  • Don’t ask me how he knows this……….I just report what I hear
• You don’t need alcohol to have a good time at a night club
• Ok……..that last one was a lie
• If your kitchen sink is so disgusting you have to wash dishes in the shower because you want to avoid the stench……….. then your maid has been absent too long
  • Please don’t ask me how I know this
  • Bing the Maid………you were in the finals for the naming of names

Bring on Week 4!

Session 4 – Monday Jan 18th

I might not be very smart, but I can conclude with absolute certainty that deciding to do hill sprints and stair climbs out the back of my place at Kent Ridge on Sunday was a massive error in judgement. To quote Ron Burgundy “I immediately regret my decision”………..well maybe not immediately, but by the time I rolled into the Havelock Rd gym Monday night I was most definitely regretting it as my body was barking at me (and not one of those little dog barks either, but one of those big F^&K Off dog barks).

Monday’s session was pretty similar to Week 1 with one exception……….weigh ins. This seemed pretty formal with Andy yelling something as you walked into the gym and gesturing towards the scales. I would tell you what he said but I’m not sure what language he speaks, and I definitely don’t understand it. The boxers (use this term loosely) would tell Andy their weight in Kg’s to 1 decimal place and he would record it on a laptop………..all very professional. Somehow Alexis took over with a scrap of paper and a pen and from what I could tell just started rounding the numbers up or down……..you were either 80kg, 90kg or 100kg and nowhere in between (in reality he was just rounding up and down to 1kg). This numerical approach is best evidenced when someone asks Alexis his weight and he replies “90+kg’s” (real weight 99kg)………if that’s allowed, then ladies I am 30+ years old in case you were wondering. I am going to make a lot of fun of Alexis throughout these posts (and rightly so), but in all seriousness he is a great trainer and a better bloke……….plus he has a fantastic comeback when you take the piss out of him………… “We can always get in the ring if you want?”……….90+ it is then.

After the excitement of weigh in we moved through our standard warmups, some functional movement drills, rotating cones (for those potheads this isn’t as much fun as it sounds). We moved into some jab and parry work (which is where you pair off and face of with one partner throwing a left jab which the other parries (slaps the jabbing hand away whilst maintaining guard of the chin with the right hand………….for those baseball fans it’s kind of like A-Rod in the 2004 play offs…….only like a man) then fires back a jab of his own which is parried in return, rinse and repeat. Unfortunately I was born with “little girl hands” (Ladies there is no correlation here between hand size and…….………hangs head, stops typing) and constantly getting your hand firmly slapped hurts………..that really reads much worse when you write it down than it sounded in my head. I resorted to putting one boxing glove on my jabbing hand to reduce the pain and resembled that boxer dude (Art Jimmerson) from UFC 1 who entered the Octagon wearing one boxing glove………….needless to say it didn’t end well for Art……….hopefully this is not an omen. 

We also got some heavy bag work in the form of the 10second punchout drill. Basically you pair up and one person holds the bag for 10 seconds whilst the other person pounds it for 10 seconds then swap and continue repeating for 2 minutes (the length of a WCB round). This is very much like the plank in that it sounds really easy but it’s not, and it messes with time in your mind. 2 minutes on the bag seems so much longer than 2 minutes in bed and it’s really difficult to keep going, especially when in both cases you have someone screaming out “come on, keep going……faster” at you……….(don’t forget to delete………this makes you sound really bad in bed)

Monday finished with the same circuit and planks, nothing interesting to report other than it seems like everyone in the group is pretty cool except for that p^%$& Burpees……..nobody likes him.

Session 5 – Wednesday Jan 20th

Wednesday’s session was very similar to Monday’s except I felt tired and sore………hang on, that’s exactly how I felt Monday……………….. As these updates might get a bit same / samey in terms of exercises etc. I won’t go into detail in every post………plus I “skunked”** out of training early and don’t really know what happened in the second half. Therefore in conjunction with a rundown of the weeks training activities I am going to become a bit (more) self indulgent and introduce 3 new segments:

• The Sharing of Feelings (Pleasing)
• The Airing of Grievances (Displeasing)
• The Naming of Names (Very Displeasing)

Please note as a general rule I much prefer to concentrate on the negatives (it’s kinda my thing) so expect a lot of “Airing of Grievances” and some isolated positive “Sharing of Feelings” where warranted. Due to the fact that I rarely have much positive to say, I am going to take this opportunity to say it before people stop reading or Vanda cancels my self indulgent outpourings. In order to try and avoid the latter please read on for the inaugural “Sharing of Feelings”

Sharing of Feelings

When people find out you are boxing or training at a boxing gym they invariably ask how you got into it and if you have ever done it before. I made it a point to not do a “Who am I and how did I get here?” entry because I think they are self serving and wanky, but without further ado sit back and enjoy my “Who am I and how did I get here?” Actually we can forget the “who am I?” bit because that’s not really important…………..for better or worse I’m not much different to a lot of other expats who have been in Sing for a few years (although anyone reading prior entries would know I’m 40………I mean um 30+, bald, can’t wrap my hands and am looking for hot women and midget friends). The most important piece is the “how did I get here?” (And by here I am referring to the Vanda WCB program). If the following reads as a massive plug for Vanda then so be it……..but I really do have a lot of good things to say about Vanda and its staff and the training in general.

Early last year I ruptured my calf (jogging in the warm ups no less) of a football game. I went down like I was shot and by all accounts made a lot of little girl crying noises and rolled and writhed around in a manner that I am told was unbecoming. Long story short I was overweight, out of shape and now injured and facing 3 months without being able to run. I wandered into Vanda at Turf city with no prior boxing experience having ballooned to 100+kg’s. I asked if I could join up for the fitness classes because it was the only sport / exercise that I could do at the time whilst not being able to run (at least I could stand and punch).

Fast forward a few months and I am weighing in at a lean 80kg’s and I am well and truly addicted to the training. For anyone who has ever thought about getting fit / back into shape or getting into boxing come down to Vanda. The training is a great workout, lots of good people plus it’s insanely addictive and fun. Alexis, Michelle and all the trainers are awesome and do a great job of teaching and making sure that workouts are tailored for all fitness level. A big thank you guys for all your help…………note to self: remember to ask Ian for free stuff in return for plugging Vanda.

The Airing of Grievances

A couple of weeks back I nipped into the Havelock Rd gym on the way home from work. Having done all of my fitness sessions at Turf City (no showers) I wasn’t used to bringing a towel to training. Anyways, I needed to duck into Vivo city after training so I jumped in the shower and came out dripping wet to the realisation that I had nothing to dry myself with. Surprisingly plastic shower curtains are not a good substitute for a towel. Luckily enough I spied a nice red towel hanging on the pipe beside the urinals……….someone must have left this behind I thought so I snatched it and quickly dried myself off and hung it over the shower railing and “skunked” off. My heart sinks when I walk into the toilets of those change rooms now as that same towel is hung over the urinals EVERY time…………….I am not 100% certain, but I am pretty sure I dried myself with a urine towel……….Genuinely not good times! (For any available women please ignore that last paragraph……..and also any midgets that are easily offput).

Naming of Names (in alphabetical order):

• Hyatt Hotel

For NOT offering a non alcoholic discount for their Friday Poolside BBQ buffet………….how hard is it to look after the temple?……..pretty f$%%^^g hard! $8 bottles of water last Friday night and now I have to pay the same price for the buffet as my friends even though they consumed an average of 27 frozen margaritas each (Kenno may even have gone close to a well made 50)…………..and if I wanted a sparkling mineral water I had to pay extra!!!!! In a desperate attempt to get value for money I attempted to eat my own bodyweight in meat (this is a lot easier at 80kg than it is at 100kg…….that last 20kg of meat is a killer). Sadly my attempt ended in the same way as all the others, severe meat sweats followed by a lapsing into a protein coma…….defeated.

** “Skunked” – “Skunking” / “To Skunk”

• To leave early without valid reason
• To avoid
• To slip away

At the risk of plagarising Homer J Simpson “Skunking is what separates us from the animals…….well except for the skunk”

Session 6 – Saturday Jan 23rd

Starting off with the breakfast of champions, stale wholemeal bread and peanut butter plus half a can of Redbull (I’m not certain what Manny Pacquiao has for breakfast in training camp but I am pretty sure it’s not this) I dragged myself in the Turf City gym around 8.20am. Going up the escalator with the ‘way too cheerful for 8.20am CEO Ian’, I decided to put my 5c in about 8.30am being WAY WAY too early to train. Ian happily replied that “all the White Collar boys say that at the start but they get used to it by the end”. I didn’t want to break it to him but I have been working for 15+ years and I haven’t got used to getting up early yet……….

Sensing I wasn’t at my best I skunked to the back of the group and used the ring to hide me and my pitiful attempts at Burpees / Pushups / Crunches interspersed with skipping and meat sweats………yes it really was that bad. Things picked up a little when the group split into 2 and our group did 3 rounds of footwork inside the ring which progressed to include punching and fast changes of direction. The ‘still far too cheerful for this hour of the morning Ian’ was barking something along the lines of “if you don’t have careers as boxers then maybe you might have careers as Line Dancers”. Now I don’t know exactly what Line Dancing is, but based on what I was seeing in our group I doubt that could possibly be true.  

Our group then rotated down to the “Power Circuit” which is basically a circuit of exercises that include dumbbells and body weight exercises designed to increase power and it includes my favourite medicine ball slam (note this is not the same exercise that where I put the medicine ball through the wall, although I did note that there was a poster in place of the medicine ball shaped hole in the wall). Each person is allocated a “station” and completes that exercise for a set period of time before moving to the next until you have completed the entire circuit. Now you really can get unlucky during these circuits; we have already covered Alexis and his inability to “keep time”. Not wanting to harp on this (he is a cop after all so we wouldn’t want to upset him), but sometimes Alexis gets “distracted” and forgets to yell “change”. This becomes apparent when you realise you have just completed 70+ push ups……..and that seems a lot in 20 seconds. The moral of the story is you don’t want to be stuck on the burpees when he gets distracted.

We then moved on to 3 rounds of Punch Out only doing it whilst running on the spot. This is another that is way, way worse than it sounds and much harder than doing it stationary. Funnily enough it all seemingly goes one way………things are only harder than they sound here, there is nothing we do that is easier than it sounds.

We finished up with our friend ‘The Plank’ (3x1min………or thereabouts……..who the hell knows with Alexis on the stopwatch) and that was the end of the official session. I stayed back to do a Leg Matrix (which is just a wanky way of saying leg exercises), which unfortunately would come back to haunt both me and my bum on Sunday.

Week 3 is where the intensity is turned up so stay tuned for lots more whingeing and whining next week (imagine what these reports are going to be like when they actually let people start hitting me in the face!).

Things We’ve Learned – Week 2

• No good can come from having “little girl hands”………except if you are in fact a little girl
• The combination of stale bread, peanut butter, redbull, and 5 hrs sleep apparently cannot overcome post traumatic meat sweat disorder
• Sparkling mineral is more expensive than either beer, wine or frozen margaritas
• I can’t Line Dance……….either as an amateur or professionally
• 30+ is the new 40
• Nothing good can come from a urine towel…………Ever!
• Whilst plastic shower curtains are not a good substitute for a normal towel they are generally accepted as a superior option to the urine towel

Session 1 – Mon Jan 12th

First impressions count……….although hopefully not in this case. Hopping straight off a plane from a weekend away in Phuket and heading to Day 1 of the WCB training I was (unfortunately) wearing a pink polo shirt (don’t ask why). I’m not 100% sure but I think this may have reduced my Late 80’s Tysonesque aura of menace (well that and the fact that a skinny 40 year old bald guy who cant fight is never going to be particularly intimidating). Not to worry, as I have been a member at Vanda for the past few months, so surely my experience would shine through and intimidate the novices………wrong!!!!. As we all got our complimentary hand wraps I proceeded to wrap and rewrap my hands in a manner that would have put a special ed kid to shame………and not one of the good special ed kids either. This wouldn’t have been so bad if I hadn’t been doing it for 3 months prior!

The 18 of us present huddled around and got introductions to Ian (CEO of Vanda) and Alexis (Head Trainer). Many eyes were darting around the place checking out the competition for size and weight of prospective opponents. To an outsider it probably resembled a scene out of the Blue Oyster bar from Police Academy (not that there is anything wrong with that).

We started out with an 8min warm up of alternating running on the spot / back and forward shuffle & star jumps (jumping jacks for the Americans). From here we moved into the circuit (which is always the toughest part of a session). This one involved repeating the following exercises twice 10 push ups / 10 squat thrusts / 10 crunches / 10 burpees as quickly as possible followed by a minutes rest with 3 circuits in all. Some found this harder than others but I don’t think I am going out on a limb by saying that Burpees are not a group favourite, and will only decrease in popularity as training goes on………….and the funny thing about burpees is that no matter how often you do them they always hurt, you just get faster doing them.

From here we got some basic footwork drills and some basic punching work all in front of the mirror (boxing is one of the few socially acceptable times to admire your work in the mirror………well that and in bed if you have some mirrors on the ceiling). Unfortunately my work is not that admirable (in either instance). It is genuinely hard (well for me anyway) just to follow the commands of back / forward / left / right whilst punching (thankfully gum is outlawed in Singapore because I would definitely struggle with the walking and chewing at the same time). To give you an insight of how this feels……..its like dancing in front of a group of people (who all appear to be watching you – even if they’re not) with no music, only for the fact that you cant dance. In reality this is not much of a stretch for me as I only have 2 dance moves as it is, and neither are what you would call fluent (and that’s being a bit disrespectful to fluent).

We finished off with some plank work which is where you hold your body horizontally with only your forearms and toes touching the ground and tense your abs to maintain a straight position for a set period. These sound easy but unfortunately they aren’t and 1 minute of holding the plank at the end of a hard session seems to take a lot longer than 1 minute……..especially that 3rd rep.

Session 2 – Wed Jan 14

Everyone came back plus the 2 who missed the first session so we had the full complement of participants. We haven’t weighed in as yet but for the 2 ladies and the 2 really big guys there is not too much suspense as to who they will be stepping into the ring against. For the rest of us that’s not the case and there were more casual conversations on people’s weight than you would get at a Weight Watchers meeting. The general consensus was that everyone was a bit sore after Monday particularly in the bum region ($%%^$ing burpees!!!!).

After the hand wrapping debacle of day 1, I did the right thing and washed my 2 sets of wraps. Unfortunately I didn’t roll them up before putting them in the washing and they came out in a tangled mess. Running late for work I quickly found out this was a trap for new players as it took me 22 minutes to untangle and re-roll the wraps (I wish I was kidding). Anyway I turned up early to the Havelock Rd gym with my nicely washed and rolled wraps. I felt well prepared with a youtube video setup on my blackberry on instructional handwrapping (if you are looking for it just search “boxing hand wrapping for the epically stupid”). Still with the step by step instructional guide it still took 20 mins and my left hand was wrapped differently to my right…….#$%@%$ This!!!!! At least there weren’t many people around to see it this time.

Day 2 training was pretty similar to Day 1 in terms of content and intensity. Alexis made the stupid mistake of having me lead the right / left / back / forward punch drill……….and you know you have a problem when you can’t even follow your own instructions that you are yelling out. Hopefully Alexis has learned the lesson that all my previous  employers have learned (the hard way)……….don’t put me in charge of anything…….ever (please note if anyone from my current employer reads this I’m only joking………kind of). We also added some pairs footwork drill circling around a cone in both directions and punching for 2 min.

The only changes from Day 1 were the circuit was towards the end of the session this time. Of the 3 sets the best time anyone finished was 1min 17sec. All mine were around the 1min 30 mark, which is ok as I am aiming for consistency of output. The backmarkers came in around the 2min 45 mark. The good part about finishing fast (if my girlfriend is reading this I’m not trying to make bedroom performance excuses again) is that you get a longer rest period before the next set (girlfriend looks on quizzically: ”there is a next set?”).

We finished with the 3 sets of the plank again and I strategically positioned myself so I could see the countdown timer. Alexis yells out “plank for 50 secs” then sets it to 75 secs and thinks he is some kind of cross between Eddie Murphy / Richard Pryor & Chris Rock.

Most headed home after the plank but 5 or 6 of us stayed around to get in some extra work on the bags and in my case the abs and legs. Someone once told me an old saying “No abs No Legs, No Legs No Fight”. So I am following that guideline and focusing my extra strength and conditioning in those areas. I really hope it was someone who knew what they were talking about when they said that.

Session 3 – Sat Jan 16

I always had a theory that the only 2 things that were fun to get up for at 7am were golf and going on a holiday. After today I can safely say that getting up to go boxing won’t be joining that list anytime soon………just trust me on this. For a guy that struggles to get to work by 9am (should be read as 10am)……..again if you are from my employer please stop reading…….. having to be ‘boxing functional’ by 8am is a massive challenge. It’s even worse when you find out that training starts at 8.30am and not 8am……Doh!………..hey at least I got to wrap my hands in privacyJ. And I’m not even going to get into how bad Weetbix soaked in protein shake that I had for breakfast taste……..please don’t ask why I was eating this. And this all came on the back of attending a going away at KPO in Killeney rd on Friday night. The place was jumping and the crowd was “aesthetically pleasing”………trying to live a healthy lifestyle and stay off the turps in these kinds of situations is tough………and made even tougher when a bottle of water costs $8…………$8 $%#^ing dollars……….and they’re not even big bottles.

Andy & Michelle ran this morning’s session with Michelle in charge of the stopwatch. The session was at Turf City and the gym is half the size and 5x as hot as Havelock Rd. It must be 50 degrees with zero air circulation and it only gets worse when you have 20 sweaty bodies going hell for leather for 90 mins. Having done a few of Michelle’s sessions it was predictably tight and without much rest…………….in other words she is a “Stopwatch Nazi”. We began with 10 mins of skipping, followed 5 min warm up and 10mins of circuit which was jogging on the spot interspersed with 15 reps of various exercises each 30 secs including everyones favourite burpees. We then broke into 3 groups rotating between heavy bag work / punching & footwork / Skipping and finished off with a 3 loop circuit of the aforementioned pushups / crunches / squat thrusts & burpees. At the end of the session it feels like you have worn your shoes in the pool. There is that much sweat in them that they squelch when you walk and sweat runs out of them……….this is compounded by there being no showers at Turf City and then getting a cab home and Uncle the Cabbie wants to know why there are large puddles on the back seat and on the floor mats……………….i think, he thinks that I’ve wet my pants (and it wouldn’t be the 1st time but that’s a story for another day).

In summary a good intro week that wasn’t as hard as I expected……..although I’m sure that will change soon. Bring on week 2.

Things we’ve learned from Week 1:

• No pink Polo Shirts……..ever
• Look at youtube videos to learn to wrap hands and not appear “challenged”
• Burpees are the devils exercise
• Bring a change of clothes to avoid embarrassing taxi incidents
• Drink iced tap water when out……not bottles
• Make sure there is food in the house before Saturday trainings
• Weetbix soaked in protein shake taste as bad as they sound
• Whatever time Alexis tells you that you must hold the plank for it will always be longer as he messes with the stopwatch……….and he will laugh hysterically and find it tremendously funny
• Note that the group holding the plank finds it less funny
• 8.30am not 8am
• Don’t wash your hand wraps in the washing machine without rolling them up first
• $8 is too much to pay for a small bottle of water
• Even if it is from Fiji
• Don’t let me lead…………..Anything
• A 10kg medicine ball leaves a hole in a plaster wall roughly the size of said medicine ball
• Not all the walls are concrete at the Turf City gym
• This should be checked prior to throwing said medicine ball

Running Totals:

• People intimidated – 0
• Embarrassing incidents – 3
• Number of times I left the gym with my clothes still in the locker room – 2
• Number of times gym was locked up when I realised I had left my clothes, money and credit cards in the gym, couldn’t get back in and had to scrounge for coins to pay the taxi home – 1
• Hand Re-Wraps – 27
• Minutes spent untangling handwraps after washing – 37
• Training sessions – 6
• Total time spent traing – 10.5hrs
• Start Weight – 83.2kg (dressed in shoes)
• End Weight – 82.2kg (dressed in shoes)

Clint Pemberton